Wednesday, June 19, 2013

THE THROWDOWN: Ruby Vs. Daily Activities

ROUND 1: Going Pee Pee
Ruby can now use the restroom "all by herself," which means that she yells at people for privacy, doesn't need a toddler seat anymore, uses way too much toilet paper - clogging up the toilet about 15% of the time, needing to be reminded to wipe all the appropriate areas and then FLUSH, needs to be remind not to sit on the toilet reading books forever, and then ends each endeavor with her bathroom catchphrase: "I went pee-pee all by myself," which is often yelled at the top of her lungs in crowded eating establishments.
WINNER: Ruby. Her bathroom habits might be annoying, but anything is better than changing diapers.

ROUND 2: Putting on Clothes
Ruby has a mini-meltdown at each level of clothes. She can't remember how to put on pants, or socks, or shoes, even though she has done these things dozens of times. She only remembers how to put on underwear, the only clothing she actually likes, resulting in her being clothed in little else most of the time. All other clothing items require constant reassurance and encouragement in order to get her to remember that she just did this yesterday!
WINNER: Clothes. It would be less frustrating and unimaginably quicker to just dress her myself. However, she just did figure out how to put on shirts, so there may be hope yet.

ROUND 3: Eating
If it is green, it better be round or look like a tree. If it is red, it better be a fruit. Otherwise, she won't eat it.
Also, she needs to eat in a deprivation chamber, otherwise you will be sitting at the kitchen table for an eon-moment waiting for her to even get just the next spoonful of food into her mouth - and this is food she claims to LIKE.
She will spill her drink. Usually twice. and on multiple surfaces simultaneously.
WINNER: Eating. While Ruby now gets more food in her mouth than on the table, she misses out on a significant portion of deliciousness because she shuns food by shape and color. Also, she makes it impossible to keep our kitchen floor clean.

ROUND 4: Carrying on a Conversation
She speaks gibberish fluently. Learning gibberish yourself is of little help, because she will just switch to gobbeldy-gook, in which she is also fluent.
She can understand English, but only speak it in barely coherent, day-long run-on sentences, or when she is actively crying - which makes her completely unintelligible.
She also remembers every bad word or inappropriate phrase you have ever said and is waiting to use them at dinner parties with your pastor.
WINNER: Ruby. When it is important, she can make herself understood. When she's in trouble, suddenly nothing she says makes sense. I'm convinced it is some sort of clever ruse.

ROUND 5:  Walking
The way she slaps her feet on the ground, I'm surprised she has any toes left.
She has a knack for choosing exactly the wrong shoe for the given circumstances: time to go run at the park - obviously that means her plastic, high-heeled, Minnie Mouse light up shoes.
She veers toward obstacles. If there is a irregularity in the ground, or a toy in her way, or some sort of blockade just off the path, she goes directly toward it and deliberately tries to walk over it. She very often trips.
She also trips over nothing, usually while running. If there is an extra heavy air molecule, she will find it and trip, resulting in bruised legs and skinned knees.
WINNER: Walking. She has been lulled into a false sense of security, thinking she knows how to use her legs.

VICTOR: Daily Activities.
She is just too distracted to form any significant threat to her Daily Activities, but she is gaining.

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