Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The Baby Show: Parent Paranoia

Players: Brad, Gus, Ruby
Location: McDonalds Play Place

Brad purchases the smallest, cheapest cup of coffee in order to be ‘legit’ and then ushers Ruby into the PlayPlace area.
Brad: “Okay, sweetuh, take off your shoes and go play.”
Ruby does so. Brad willfully ignores the sign that says that all children must wear socks-he has brought socks for neither of his children.
Gus, in the Backpack, slaps Brad soundly about the back of head and neck: {MALE PARENT, release me and allow me to go forth and conquer!}
Brad, who has a neck sunburn, winces: “HEY, ouchie. We need to cut your nails.”
Brad pulls the backpack off and unstraps Gus. Brad also takes Gus’s shoes off and hopes no one notices.
For several minutes, Ruby runs all around the structure, calling every so often to have Brad look at her and give her some sort of toddler encouragement.  Gus climbs up the first few levels before he reaches an area he can’t scale.
Gus: {MAN GUARDIAN, come and hoist me up this height, that I may continue to the summit.}
Brad: “I’m not allowed on the play set, Gusser.”
Gus: {Pish Tosh, when seeking grand adventure, rules are made to be broken. Now come, be a Tenzing Norgay to my Edmund Hillary.}
Brad: “Did you seriously just compare a McDonalds PlayPlace to Everest? I’m not coming up.”
Gus: {I’ll make sure that the National Sherpa’s Alliance hears of this and revokes your membership.} He begins clambering down.
Brad: “You do that.”
Meanwhile, Ruby goes down the slide and bumps into the same little girl for the 3rd or 4th time. They both laugh, so Brad thinks nothing of it.
However, on the other side of the room, a largish man stands and walks over. He has a minute or so conversation with the little girl in an Eastern European dialect. Rationally, Brad is sure that it has little to nothing to do with him or the kids, but irrationally he assumes the conversation is as follows –
Eastern European Father (EEF): “You should not let that little blond girl bump into you. She is obviously poorly raised, as her father cannot even afford socks.”
Eastern European Daughter (EED): “But daddy, I took pity upon her because, while she and I both have the blond hair, her father could not be bothered to comb hers. She is neglected and unloved, and therefore deserves every kindness from us.”
EEF: “I am proud of your kindness and generosity, but as your father and protector I must remove you from this place before this girl whose father has yet to clean her face today gives you some sort of disease from her dirtiness. Come along.”
EED: “As I have been raised correctly, I shall lovingly obey and come at your request, unlike these two wild children who have never been taught respect for their elders.”
The father and daughter leave and paranoid Brad drinks his coffee till they are out of the building, then immediately grabs a wet wipe and cleans Ruby’s face.


  1. Yes, this is truly a masterwork. I love how real you are and how you encourage real people in less than ideal situations to pursue one of life's HIGHEST callings. And not to give up!