The Renewing Mind/Sensitive Geek MAN: Marriage Works

I haven't been married that long in the grand scheme of things, so I am not sure my advice on the matter is fully vested. However, having been married as long as I have (and also having dated a decent but not overwhelming number of women before I got married) I have come to a few conclusions.

I am going to share one now.

When you are young, you think of all of these things you want in a spouse: the movies they like, the sorts of things you will do together, the books they read, whether they like the outdoors, what music they listen to, whether they like to dance, if you have things in common, blah blah blah.

There is really only 2 things you need to make a marriage work.

1. A spouse that doesn't believe in divorce no matter what.
2. A spouse that will work things through with you no matter how long it takes.

Now, those of you who read this blog or know me are probably surprised I didn't say that one of the things you need is Jesus Christ. Well, I am sure there are people in the world who have functional marriages and don't know The Lord. However, I do believe that knowing and following Jesus is the most important thing you can have in common and for me it was a non-negotiable. Also, if you both know Jesus you should automatically get those other 2 things as well as a good slew of other things that will help.

Anyway, if you have the above 2 things, it is very possible to make a marriage work, and marriage is hard work--don't believe anyone who says otherwise. If you go into your marriage thinking it is going to be always fun and romantic and light and wonderful, you are in for a rude awakening and possibly divorce (unless you also have those above 2 things and/or Jesus.) Marriage is work even for the best couples. There will be times you don't want to work, that you wonder why you got married, that you wonder what the other person could possibly see in you, but you can get through it. When you make it through those sorts of trials, you get something wonderful: a relationship where you can trust the other person unreservedly, because they have proven they will always be there, supporting you even when they don't feel like it and loving you even when they don't like you.

So, this is a message to my wife: When I said I would go where you go and stay where you stay, I meant it. I love you even when we are making each other crazy. We have good times and bad, but the important thing is that we have Jesus and each other.

The Renewing Mind/Sensitive Geek MAN: The American Nightmare

There are days when i think that the "American Dream" is killing us.

I know the most iconic symbol of the American Dream is owning a house, which I think most people would say is a difficult prospect at the moment. However, even though owning a house is problematic at this point, I think the attitude behind it is alive and well. The pursuit of comfort, of things, of increasing wealth and prosperity is ingrained in the minds of a lot of americans.  I know it is ingrained in my brain and my failure to attain those things the way I 'think' i was supposed to causes me a rather pathetic amount of angst.

I don't think it needs to be that way, for me or anyone else. Is it worth having both parents work and miss out on the lives of their children just so the family can have a few more bucks in the bank? Is it worth having a house if the payments on it trap you in it? Is it worth worrying yourself into a stupor over tragedies that might befall you and whether you have the monetary resources to weather them? Our media, our culture, everything around us says YES. But we chase those things and don't feel more fulfilled. We don't feel safer.

Because we are putting our trust in the wrong things. Money is only as good as the government that backs it, and I think most of us agree that our government is having serious issues. Security is only as good as the people who protect you, and everyday we hear stories of injustices perpetrated by the very organizations that are supposed to see to our well-being. Saving is only as good as the institutions into which you put your money for safe-keeping, and none of our investment opportunities have proven to be even mildly trustworthy.

So I say we stop chasing the American Dream. Start being honest with ourselves. I will probably never be able to retire, but really there is no reason to if I am doing a worthwhile work. I may not have every possession that my heart fancies, but less things that I own mean more of my affections are free to be used on better things. I can spend those affections on my friends, my family, my God.

The Renewing Mind: Things that need to change.

The way I show my love for God
The way I show my love for my family
The way I think about the work I do
The way I feel about my job
The way I eat
The way I take care of myself
The way I treat my friends
The way I treat my cat
The regularity with which I clean
The way I drive
The way I react to how others drive
The choices I make in regard to how I consume entertainment
the way I play games
They way I react to how you play games
The way i think about money
The way I feel about money
The way i spend money
the way I talk to my wife about money
the way I talk to my wife
the way I talk
how I think about my place in society
how much I contribute to the betterment of society
how much time I spend on relatively unimportant things
how often I cook
how often I put something off because I assume someone else will do it
how often I don't get involved because I don't think it is any of my business
how often I don't get involved because I don't care
how I treat people when I finally do get involved
how often I call my parents
how often I call my friends
how often I pray
how I pray
how I worship
how often I worship
how often I phone it in
how often I overreact
how often I take things out on you
how often I let you take things out on me
how I want what you have
how I want you to want what I have
how I feel about the things that I have
how I think about the things that I have
how ungrateful i am about the things I've been given
how ungracious I am about the things I have to give
how useless I sometimes feel
how prideful I am
how selfish I am
how we think about each other
how we think about where we live
how we think about what we do
how little thought we give to the state of our souls
how little thanks we give to God for His inexpressible gift.

The Renewing Mind: The Means Justified.

There are two statements that I tend to put together.  Whenever I hear one, I think of the other. They are:

Life is a journey, not a destination
&
The ends justify the means.

I take issue with both of these statements. First, while I agree that life is a journey, that journey is all about the destination. The journey has little meaning and usefulness if there isn't a destination one wishes to reach. Wandering can be fun for a time, but a wandering life will still end in a destination, just one that the wanderer didn't choose.

The second statement is trickier. In general, I disagree with it. I do not believe that a beneficial end justifies diabolical means. In day-to-day life, you can't do dishonest, horrible things and simply argue that it was for a good outcome. However, when I think of eternity with God as the end, then suddenly I think that any means would be justified. First, that end is such a grand ending that suffering any means would be worth the cost. However, only one means leads to that end, and that means is through justification by Christ.

Life is a journey. If that journey is a justified one, then the end is a magnificent eternity.

The Renewing Mind: Quitters

I don't see myself as a quitter, so occasional I struggle with leaving someone or something, even if the reason seems good and valid.

How does one determine when the appropriate amount of time and effort has been put into an unresolved endeavor or fruitless situation before being able to responsibly say 'it is time to put this aside?'

Unfortunately, I think that each situation requires scrutiny and that there is no complete answer. There are situations that one could and even should stop almost immediately; and there are trials that one can never stop, no matter how painful or frustrating they become.

Pain is not a reason by itself to stop a course of action, but it is something that should make you ask questions. If your ankle begins hurting when running, you slow down, assess what is causing the pain. Maybe you stop for the day, but you don't give up running for life. However, if your knees ache every time you run and it never gets better no matter how hard you try or how many doctors you go to; well, maybe it is time to take up cycling.

I believe that a single, or even multiple failures does not mean throwing in the towel. If that were the case, I could never be a Christian. In a sense, the Christian life is about accepting failure: My failure at purity, at holiness; my failure to redeem myself; Humanities failure and fall in to sin, our races complete depravity and complete inability to remove ourselves from it. However, accepting those failures does not mean you don't strive for holiness. Christ's sacrifice gives us the power to become more like Him, the Spirit works in us to achieve that which we couldn't on our own. We will still fail because our dying sinful self fights as it dies, but that doesn't mean we should ever give up, even though we will not have full victory in the life.

The confusion comes with anything that is not as important as our increasing Christ-likeness, which is everything else! How do I know when a situation is beyond me, when it has become unhealthy or impossible to succeed?

I do believe that it is too easy to give up. Struggle and failure is pain, and pain is unpleasant. Of course we should want to avoid it, end it. However, not all pain is bad; the trick is learning whether the pain is a pain that will lead to growth or a pain that acts a warning. Is this a pain of God stretching and increasing Himself in me, or is this pain God's megaphone? Do I keep running or take up cycling?

Sensitive Geek MAN: Turn, Turn, Turn

Sometimes, when i see people walking down the street, or I pass someone at work, or see someone at church I stop and think "these people were young once, they were children, babies."

If I am really in the right mindset, I can see mind-pictures of them very young, with faceless, Charlie-Brown Voiced parents helping them walk or feeding them peas which they get all over them. I see them a little older, running around the house or out into the yard, playing with a dog or in the sprinklers, maybe slowly reading a book or watching snowfall through a window.

This way of looking at people has gotten bigger as I have gotten older. I used to only do it with people already younger than me, usually High School or early College age. But in the last few years it has grown exponentially, encompassing older and older people. Recently, I have started to see it in people who must be grandparents or even great-grandparents. I see them as I imagine they were decades ago, straight-backed, full of life. It is sort of a bitter-sweet ability. Seeing then as they may have been when they were young helps me feel connected to them, but I also wonder how their life has gone. Did they accomplish the things they wanted, do they have loved ones to support them, do they know the Lord?

It also makes me think about when my children will be old. What will they be like? Looking at my daughter now, small and rambunctious and adorable, it is hard to think of her older, grayer, maybe with a stooped back, liver spots. Her hands now have trouble holding on to things because she is still learning to use them, her wrinkled hands then may struggle to hold on to things because they will start to betray her. Now she has trembles to go up the stairs, she will then as well. It makes me wish I could spare her from it somehow, or at least be there to pick her up like I do now.

The Renewing Mind: Joyous Things

Jesus
God
The Holy Spirit
My Daughter
My Son
Any future children
My Wife
The Church
My Mom and Dad
My Sisters
my grandparents
my aunts and uncles
that my extended family is awesome
my in-laws, including the extended family I married into
Old Friends
New Friends
when worship music makes me cry
any children
Any ice cream that doesn't have nuts in it.
Dark Chocolate
Board Games
Video Games
pretending
day dreaming
Books that make you wonder where the day has gone
the smell of cookies baking
the small of the beach in late summer
Peanut Butter and Strawberry Jam
Motorcycles
Scuba Diving
Wind
Long, Almost-too-hot showers
Getting into a hot car
Snow Skiing
Ireland
Red-heads
green eyes
freckles
watching couples hold hands or kiss
kittens
Evergreen Trees
Mountains
when I am writing well and consitantly
sarsaparilla
french fries
bare feet
The Holy Spirit
God
Jesus

Sensitive Geek MAN: Daddy's girl.

We are currently in the process of moving our daughter out of a crib and into a twin bed. I am both excited and saddened.

There is a lot of joy that comes in watching her get bigger, start to understand things, interact more ably. It's exciting to think that we are starting to discover the kind of person she is, slowly but surely.

However, I am a little melancholy about her eventual transition out of babyness. It's nice to be able to pick her up and hold her and have her burrow her head into my shoulder. It's amazing how she hasn't learned to be self-conscious or embarrassed by things, so so much of her interactions are so open and hilarious. I love how easily she laughs now and how excited she gets about things that I take for granted. Mostly, I don't want her to lose the excitement of seeing me. When she gets up from bed, or a nap, or when i come home from work she's so happy. It is the best part of my day.

I just think about how much of a punk I and my sister were once we got into the older years. I know that my daughter has a way to go, but time moves so much faster now. She will be 5 tomorrow, and 13 next week; the week after she'll be 16 and want the car. In a month, she'll be 18 and maybe going to college, and shortly after that she'll graduate. In 2 months, she'll get married and then she will not belong to me at all.

It's such a short time that she'll want to climb into my lap and I'll read her a book. How much longer will she want to be picked up or climb all over me? When will she stop coming to me when she's hurt, or tired and wants to sleep against my chest?

And in the literal next few says, she will be in a real bed.
I am really excited to see her grow up and become more and more of a person.
I'm just selfishly not excited to watch her need less and less of me.

Sensitive Geek MAN: Dumb and Dumber

I am occasionally concerned that we are getting stupider as a species.

I don't mean that we are getting less capable of learning or knowing things, or even that we are getting less knowledgeable as a species. I think most people would agree that we have an immense amount of information available to us, more than any single person could ever know. Also, there are obviously a group of people that is very knowledgeable and good at applying that knowledge, since we have been having various technological advancements over the last 100 years.

I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the continuing educational process and the application of knowledge in a beneficial manner.

We may be gaining knowledge, but we are losing intelligence, we are losing wisdom, we are losing smarts.

Not only that, we are glorying in our stupidity. Just turn on TV. Watch any of a number of reality shows. Jersey Shore seems an excellent example. The popularity of that show is frightening. Shows like Big Brother teach us that it's OK to treat other people like crap to get what we want. That shows a lack of wisdom in how to deal with others both shrewdly and kindly.

I am not slamming TV, I think there are many shows that have a great ability to teach intelligence and wisdom. However, the popularity of those shows is very telling.

Mostly, I think our laziness and selfishness gets in the way. It's less taxing to be stupid and rude, and unfortunately there aren't always immediate consequences. And while there may be long term consequences, we may not put all the pieces together to realize what caused those consequences, because we are dumb and in denial.

Everyone does this. It is a failing of the super-educated as well as everyone else. Our current world-wide financial issues are a good example. Significant lack of wisdom there, as well as a huge dose of selfishness.

Historically, whenever this sort of thing started happening in a culture, that culture fell shortly thereafter. There have been multiple things written on it, and the Roman Empire is an excellent example. They got greedy, lazy, and stupid, then their whole society caved in.

So, don't revel in dumbness. Fight it, help others fight it. It can come to no lasting good.

Although it may get you a TV show.

The Renewing Mind: Not the End

Today I truly meant to write something lighter and playful, perhaps, if I was lucky, even funny.

But then I learned that the son of a friend of mine died.

I don’t pretend to really know what that must be like. I have only had grandparents die. While that was painful, the relationship from my end is different. I try to imagine what it would be like to have my daughter die; just the thought is enough to make me almost burst into tears. When I think of it, it is like the muscles in my chest try to crush my heart. That is just thinking about it, so I can barely fathom what experiencing it would be like.

To any of you suffering from this tragedy, or from any other loss of life, you have my deepest sympathies.

Death is a tragedy. I have never really understood those who claim that death is a part of life, that it is natural. We were meant for eternity, to live forever in God’s presence. The death of a being made in God’s likeness is anything but natural. Our spirits should have been so full of the light and life of God that we never age, never die. Death is a consequence of the nature we all now inherit. As my pastor said recently, we are made in the likeness of God, but unfortunately born with the likeness of Adam. So as death should have never come to us, it is only right that we should mourn when anyone dies.

Becoming a believer means that the likeness of God in you has been redeemed. While we will all still die a physical death, our souls will live on with God. This makes the grieving process a strange affair. You know that death is not the end for any believer. You know that you will see them again and in the best of circumstances. A Christian doesn’t mourn the loss of a fellow believer, because no fellow believers are ever lost. We mourn because we can’t immediately follow and must live more years without them. We don’t mourn so much for them leaving as for us staying.

The True Tragedy comes when those we love die without Christ. They will be separate from God, and therefore us as well. That is something over which to truly grieve. That is something that we should fight against with everything we are. That convicts me—that I am such a coward that I don’t share Jesus with everyone I meet.

To my friend whose son has gone ahead, I am so sorry. I hope that our Lord Jesus would make His face to shine upon you and your family and give you all peace.

The Renewing Mind/Sensitive Geek Man: The Death of Dreams

When I was a kid, I dreamed about being a chemist. Anyone who knows me and my relationship with math will understand why that is absurd.

But as we grow up, so do our dreams. At some point our seemingly rational mind develops its hopes, its dreams for what we will be.

My senior year of high school, I had to make a choice of what to major in. I narrowed it down to 3 choices: Theater, Music, and Writing. In the wisdom of an 18 year old, semi-privileged boy-man, I chose music, specifically Vocal Performance. I figured that I could learn to act on my own or through the music theater training I expected to receive, and I didn’t think I needed to go to school for writing.

I am not going to go into grand detail about my school experience; I just bring that up to illustrate my fledgling dreams. I wanted to perform, be creative, and create people and worlds. These were the direction I thought would let me do that.

One by one they have almost all crumbled. I could go into the sob stories about why they have, but as I look back on them I realize a few things.

There came a point with each where the effort and sacrifice required was no longer worth the supposed pay off and I stopped. I didn’t have to—as much as I thought I had no choice at the time. I abandoned them, although not from lack of desire for the art itself as much as the ‘extras’ that surrounded the art. My fear is that I stopped due to laziness or silliness.

The biggest problem was, simply, that my dreams were about me. They were selfish, self-absorbed, self-glorifying, and somewhat narcissistic endeavors. Perhaps they didn’t have to be, but they were because I made one very critical error.

I didn’t put Christ at the center of my future.

I’ve been a Christian since I was 12, and I grew up in a Christian family before that. Christ has always been part of my life in some way. When I accepted Him as my Savior and Lord, I was bequeathed the firmest foundation possible upon which to build this life. I made the mistake of not including Him enough in the actually building process.

So here I had a beautiful, strong Rock upon which to build the house of my life, and I built a gaudy mansion of garbage.

So, slowly but surely, that mansion had been torn down, slowly and painfully. I have tried to make my hopes more Christ-centered, but it seems that I still have some sort of learning to do, as they have all crumbled as well.

As much as I was (and still sometimes am) angry and sad about losing them, as much as I miss them, I now can see that their death was possibly the best thing that could have happened. They were dreams made of diaphanous debris. They would have accomplished nothing of real worth in and of themselves. They need to die in order that God could replace them with Himself.

As a believer, Jesus should replace all my dreams. He should be the reason for everything I do. He should be where I put my effort, where my mind wanders when I am thinking about grand and glorious things. When I think of my life, I should be thinking how it serves Him. When I think of myself, I should only see Christ reflected back. These other things are truly dreams: fleeting wisps, folly, a chasing after the wind.

One of those follies remains. My desire to write has not yet been crushed. I am determined to sanctify it. I see now that it must serve if it is to be useful. Any tool that does not serve is thrown into the fire. Writing is not a dream, imagination and wordsmithing are not the dream, they are the tools I use to pursue the Christ.

Really, all of life is a dream, a nightmare from which we will all one day wake. Only those in Christ will wake to Life.

So, I encourage you: Look at your life and find the dreams and frivolous hopes that must die. Perhaps the Lord will have compassion and He will sanctify those follies into tools for you, but do not hang on to them in that hope. It only makes it harder. See those things and do whatever you need to get them out of the way.

And don’t be fooled, this is a life-long struggle. I have to put down my broken dreams every day. It is never completely painless. But one day I will wake and look into the eyes of my Lord. On that day every true desire of my heart will find fulfillment. On that day all dreams will pale in comparison to the reality that is the presence of God. On that day, I will laugh at how frivolous all my earthly hopes were and then I will forget them.

On that day, there will be too much celebration and joy to even consider past sufferings.

The Renewing Mind: More than the sum of the Parts

I'm curious about the things that we use to define ourselves.

If I think about how I would define myself to someone, I would say that I am a Christian first, then a husband and father. Those are really the big ones.

Then I might continue and say that I am a geek/nerd, based mostly on my interests. I also would say I'm a son, and a friend, and a brother. After those, we start getting into really obscure things that I wouldn't say define me enough to be important.

I would NOT say that I am a computer support technician, even thought I spend 9 hours, 5 days a week doing that. I mean, when people ask me what I do, I say "I am a ...", but I would define myself with that.  In my head, it is what I do, not who I am. Even though I spend more than 40 hours a week involved in that, way more than I spend at Church or in prayer or with my friends or with most of my family, including my daughter (at least awake.) I also have been doing that job for almost 10 years, but still I wouldn't use it in the description of who I am.

Which makes me wonder if my view of who I am is flawed. Am I in denial about the things that make me up? Who is a person other than a collection of the things the do, the things they say, the thoughts they think? If I spend so much time fixing computer, and having to talk about and think about fixing computers, doesn't that make me a computer tech, even if I don't want it to?

I test this against how I think others see me. I know they see some of the things I would consider defining about me, but they also see me as at least some of my job. There are people in my life that almost can't talk to me about anything other than my job, so they must see that as an integral part of my personality. How do I explain to them that I see that as the most minimal part of me and would much rather talk about something (sometimes anything) else? Don't get me wrong, I like helping people and those skills allow me to help others, but I want people to take interest in me, not what I do.



The big thing that is left out of the above list is that I am a sinner. I have never really had a problem with admitting that, in fact I probably focused on it too much in the past. I sometimes have a hard time understanding how anyone can believe we aren't sinners.
However, I don't see this as something that defines me anymore. Again, it is something I do; in a sense, it is a disease that will one day kill me. However, thanks to Christ, it isn't who I am. I suffer from it and because of it, but I am not ruled by it anymore. I am ruled by Jesus and that transforms me in such a way that I am separated from sin in a way that makes it no longer a part of what is truly me. I will an unfortunate part of every day fighting it, I will be subject to sin in the world and in others actions far more than I care to think about, I will even still succumb to sin and do things I know aren't right. But who I am in Jesus Christ is so much larger and more powerful than sin that it completely overrides sins grasp on me. Sin will kill me, but I will recover, and be better than I ever have been.

This is what helps me understand how to look at who I am. I am more than the sum of the things I do, or thing, or say. I am more than my job. I am who Christ is making me, and that is far greater than any other thing that I am, to the point of making them inconsequential. If being a husband defines me, it defines me in so much as Christ is using it to change me. If being a father defines me, it does it only as Christ uses it to show me His heart and teach my children about Him. Even though my direct time with God is depressingly small in the scope of moments, it is the biggest thing I am involved in and infuses everything else.

So, I may not be all that I want to be now, or ever in this life; but one day I'll recover.

Sensitive Geek MAN: Words are weapons, sharper than knives

it seems that a large section of my brain power is used to determine and remember when to keep my stupid mouth shut.

There is a part of me that envies the people who don't think or care about what they say or how they say it. I see that and, while I am somewhat repulsed, I also am fascinated by the apparent freedom they feel to just speak their mind. I am often so exhausted just by constantly editing that the thought of being able to stop is very attractive.

Now, some of you who know me are saying, "you edit? I couldn't tell."  Let me assure you, YES I edit. A lot, constantly. So the next time I say something crazy, keep in mind that whatever I said was the edited version.

As freeing as being able to say anything that comes through my head or that I am feeling at that moment would seem, I can't do it.  First, whenever I see someone behave that way, I am instantly repulsed by their complete lack of regard for others. Make no mistake, people who do not consider their words and put the entire onus on others to translate and edit for them are selfish. While I agree that there is some responsibility on the part of the hearer to work at understanding and not overreacting, there is also a responsibility on the part of the speaker to be understood in a helpful way. People who refuse to consider their words are either arrogant or lazy, and people who claim to do so and still say needlessly harmful things are at best deluded or ignorant, and at worst are cruel.

Those of you who disagree, consider this: when one reads a book, there is an expectation that the writer will convey his meaning and intentions, as well as the story, in an understandable and engaging manner. If the author does not, it can result in an annoyed, perhaps even insulted, reader. The purpose of the writing is lost.

We are all the authors of everything that comes out of our mouth. The same rules apply.

Also, whenever I speak, I find that it makes whatever I am speaking about more real. When something is still in my head, I can try to argue against it, calm myself if need be. Eventually I may be able to alter or change it as needed. Also, it gives me a chance to actually test my thought veracity before acting.
Once I speak, my thoughts become more real. I find that I become more committed to them; I become more emotional and animated; my belief in what I am saying increases--whether it is actually true or not. Words are commitment. Words have power.

While i agree that in most cases, 'actions speak louder than words,' words speak pretty loudly. They are the first true indication of the character of the speaker.

Sensitive Geek MAN/The Renewing Mind: The Cake is a lie

I've pursued lots of things in the attempt to become Awesome.

There seems to be a thought in our culture that any, and perhaps even ALL, of us have the ability to become something phenomenal. Television, Movies, Radio, Books, and even the people around you tell you things that make you feel like you have it in you to be Superman.
The problem is that this is a lie.

No one can be Superman.  Not even Superman is really Superman. Whatever you accomplish in life, you will always be able to see some way that you could have theoretically have been better, greater than you are now. Everyone falls short of their supposed potential.

But falling short isn't the issue (it is The Issue, but not the focus of our current discussion.) The issue is that the World tells you that you can be a Superstar, so when you feel like you aren't the Superstar you were meant to be or thought you could be, you are devastated or feel like a failure.  You wonder where you've gone wrong.

I feel like this a lot. I had a lot of dreams and goals I wanted to accomplish. In a very strict sense, I have accomplished very few of them. Many--possibly most--have died a horribly painful death. When I see the death of these things, I feel like a failure. What have I done with my life? What do I have to show for it? Most things I have tried have not turned out.  I'm not famous, I'm not rich, I am not really successful in any way that the World promised me I could be.

But the issue is not that I'm a failure (again, it is The Issue, but that's for later), it's that I paid far too much attention to the lies of the world. The Cake is a LIE! There is no magic place in life where you get everything you want and are totally happy.  I would even go as far as to say that anyone who says they are perfectly happy with life is either a stinking liar or horribly deluded.

Here is a part of truth: You will never be completely happy in this life; you will never have everything you want; you will never feel totally fulfilled.

But you can be content. You just need to stop living trying to be the person the World told you that you could be, or even the person you want to be. Start figuring out who you should be.

You should be someone who loves God with everything you are.
You should be someone who loves others at least as much as you love yourself (hopefully more)
You should be someone who holds on to this world very loosely.
You should be someone who can accept that you aren't perfect, and while that isn't OK, it is reality. It is what everyone of us lives with every day.

The longer you spend denying it, the worse it gets.
So cut it out.