The ThrowDown: Ruby Vs. Wedding Activities

ROUND 1: Wedding Rehearsal

As Flower Girl (or the title she was bestowed by the Bride – Flower Princess), Ruby was required to be at the wedding rehearsal. After walking down the aisle with the RingBearers (or Kings of the Ring), the Bride wanted to see if the kids could stand on the stage during the ceremony so people could see their overwhelming cuteness. It is understandable that the Bride would want to harness this power for her own use – if baby and toddler cuteness could be converted to electricity we would easily solve the energy crisis—but the issue is that the Bride’s plan required toddlers to stand still for more than 30 seconds.

The parents mentioned this issue to the Bride and the wedding planner, but we were all willing to give it a shot at the rehearsal. Within 5 minutes, the kids were all over the stage. At one point we lost Ruby and one of the Ring Kings, and heard a shattering from stage left. The two of them had snuck behind a partition, jostled it in their toddler glee, and sent a 4” diameter, 4’ tall, glass candle holder plummeting to the earth.

While the Ring King was blamed for actual destructive actions, all parties involved agree that he was likely convinced to act thusly by one Flower Princess

WINNER: Wedding Activities. Toddlers have 2 settings-Moving and Sleeping. They move while they eat, they move while they use the potty, they really even move while they sleep—just less. The toddler is doomed to fail at any activity that relies on stillness.

ROUND 2:  Walking Down the Aisle

Traditionally, Flower Girls throw petals onto the walkway as they come down the aisle. However, in this particular case, our Flower Princess was relieved of this duty. All she had to do was hold the hand of the Ring Kings—who weren’t carrying rings—and walk from the back of the sanctuary, down the aisle, up a small flight of stairs, and stand on the stage until the officiate asked everyone to be seated—we all finally agreed that standing up there the whole time was asking for disaster.

This process went swimmingly in rehearsal; however, the Flower Princess didn’t wear her dress during the rehearsal.

During the ceremony, as she climbed the stairs at the end of the aisle, she kept stepping on the hem of the dress. She couldn’t lift the dress out of her way because both hands were being held by a Ring King. So, she began tripping up the stairs.

WINNER: Ruby. Thanks to her inherent toddler cuteness, her dress/walking issues came across as adorable rather than troubling. Also, the Ring Kings kept things moving by literally dragging her up the steps. All in all, it simply added a fond and cute memory to the ceremony.

ROUND 3: Reception Dinner

Most of the dinner doesn’t require comment. However, the wedding favors were a seemingly unending supply of cake pops—white cake or red velvet cake.

Ruby was the Flower Princess, Ruby was in a beautiful dress, Ruby has no shame—she simply walked up to any one and every one and requested a cake pop.

Who is going to say no?

WINNER: Ruby. She worked the system like a pro. I shed a little tear, I was so proud.

ROUND 4: Reception Pictures/Speeches/Etc

But now we have a sugared-up toddler who has been seated right next to where all the reception activities are taking place. At some point, Ruby decided that this was her wedding, and started out onto the dance floor in the middle of the cake cutting, and the speeches, and any other traditional reception activity; because the Flower Princess decided that she needed to be in every picture.

WINNER: Wedding Activities. The Flower Princess eventually had to be escorted from the room by the Flower King in order to stop disturbing the proceedings.

ROUND 5:  Dancing

The combination of sugar and dress-enhanced toddler cuteness reached its zenith during the dancing. Ruby was allowed back on the premises and danced the night away. Her dancing consists of a lot of jumping, arm-flailing, and falling down—the way drunk, white adults dance.

WINNER: Ruby. Her somewhat spastic dancing was so full of joy and giddiness that it made all who saw it laugh in delight.

VICTOR:  RUBY.

She had a great time and she behaved decently well—didn’t have any of her melt-downs in non-relative public. Also, even though she ate enough sugar to kill a small rhino, she danced it all off and fell promptly to sleep. 

THE THROWDOWN: Ruby Vs. Daily Activities

ROUND 1: Going Pee Pee
Ruby can now use the restroom "all by herself," which means that she yells at people for privacy, doesn't need a toddler seat anymore, uses way too much toilet paper - clogging up the toilet about 15% of the time, needing to be reminded to wipe all the appropriate areas and then FLUSH, needs to be remind not to sit on the toilet reading books forever, and then ends each endeavor with her bathroom catchphrase: "I went pee-pee all by myself," which is often yelled at the top of her lungs in crowded eating establishments.
WINNER: Ruby. Her bathroom habits might be annoying, but anything is better than changing diapers.

ROUND 2: Putting on Clothes
Ruby has a mini-meltdown at each level of clothes. She can't remember how to put on pants, or socks, or shoes, even though she has done these things dozens of times. She only remembers how to put on underwear, the only clothing she actually likes, resulting in her being clothed in little else most of the time. All other clothing items require constant reassurance and encouragement in order to get her to remember that she just did this yesterday!
WINNER: Clothes. It would be less frustrating and unimaginably quicker to just dress her myself. However, she just did figure out how to put on shirts, so there may be hope yet.

ROUND 3: Eating
If it is green, it better be round or look like a tree. If it is red, it better be a fruit. Otherwise, she won't eat it.
Also, she needs to eat in a deprivation chamber, otherwise you will be sitting at the kitchen table for an eon-moment waiting for her to even get just the next spoonful of food into her mouth - and this is food she claims to LIKE.
She will spill her drink. Usually twice. and on multiple surfaces simultaneously.
WINNER: Eating. While Ruby now gets more food in her mouth than on the table, she misses out on a significant portion of deliciousness because she shuns food by shape and color. Also, she makes it impossible to keep our kitchen floor clean.

ROUND 4: Carrying on a Conversation
She speaks gibberish fluently. Learning gibberish yourself is of little help, because she will just switch to gobbeldy-gook, in which she is also fluent.
She can understand English, but only speak it in barely coherent, day-long run-on sentences, or when she is actively crying - which makes her completely unintelligible.
She also remembers every bad word or inappropriate phrase you have ever said and is waiting to use them at dinner parties with your pastor.
WINNER: Ruby. When it is important, she can make herself understood. When she's in trouble, suddenly nothing she says makes sense. I'm convinced it is some sort of clever ruse.

ROUND 5:  Walking
The way she slaps her feet on the ground, I'm surprised she has any toes left.
She has a knack for choosing exactly the wrong shoe for the given circumstances: time to go run at the park - obviously that means her plastic, high-heeled, Minnie Mouse light up shoes.
She veers toward obstacles. If there is a irregularity in the ground, or a toy in her way, or some sort of blockade just off the path, she goes directly toward it and deliberately tries to walk over it. She very often trips.
She also trips over nothing, usually while running. If there is an extra heavy air molecule, she will find it and trip, resulting in bruised legs and skinned knees.
WINNER: Walking. She has been lulled into a false sense of security, thinking she knows how to use her legs.

VICTOR: Daily Activities.
She is just too distracted to form any significant threat to her Daily Activities, but she is gaining.

THE THROWDOWN: Gus's Coterie Vs. Ruby's Menagerie

ROUND 1: Hand-Me-Downs

Gus - Jacob Bear

Jacob Bear was made by Gus's Paternal Great-Grandma Ruby for Brad. Jacob once belonged to Gus's sister Ruby, but Ruby paid so little attention to him, that Jacob was moved into the Gus Camp. He holds a grudge.

Ruby - Peanut Butter

Peanut Butter was originally from a pair of twins that were found and purchased by Ruby's mom and Auntie Bekah. Peanut Butter suffers from anxiety from being separated from her sister, Jelly.

WINNER: TIE - Jacob Bear is older and has a richer history, but Gus ignores him only slightly less than Ruby ignored him. Peanut Butter's history isn't as dense and lovely, and far more filled with pain and loss, but at least Ruby occasionally lets Peanut Butter sleep in the bed, albeit shoved all the way in the corner, behind the pillow.

ROUND 2: The Guard Dogs

Gus: "Woofie" Alowishus Puppy

Woofie is on loan from Ruby's Menagerie and currently advises Gus on all things dog-like and lickable. He is supposedly the guard dog of Gus's room, but he mostly sits around near the heat exchange being brown.

Ruby: Scottie Dog

Scottie is on a mission to prove himself. Normally he is overshadowed by Woofie, but since Woofie is on loan to Gus, it's Scottie's time to shine. He is a much better guard dog than Woofie ever was, but is a little overzealous. His habit of waking up the "troops", as he calls the others in Ruby's Menagerie, with a bagpipe version of Taps has resulted in him being forcibly smothered at the bottom of the Menagerie Basket.

WINNER: RUBY - Woofie's allegiance to Gus is in severe question.

ROUND 3: The Cuteness (Bunnies)

Gus: Buhn-Buhn the Floppy Bunny

While not much to look at when he is just lying in a slump, in the hands of Gus he is an unstoppable M1 Garand of cuteness. Unfortunately, he has no other skills, and is a drain on the rest of the coterie. 

Ruby: The Velveteen Rabbit

This guy is trying way too hard. The others want to smack that smile right off his cutesy rabbit face.

WINNER: GUS - Bow before the adorable might of Buhn-Buhn

Round 4: The Brains

Gus: Ow-Woe

The most recent addition to Gus's Coterie, Ow-Woe has already proven invaluable. While his reputation has been damaged by the current hipster owl obsession, he is an essential intellectual asset. He is also invaluable in the quest to discover how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-pop.

Ruby: Darryl the 3rd 

Darryl the 3rd is one of the most established members of Ruby's Menagerie, but has the misfortune to have been named in the Great Darryl initiative of 2011. Currently, 5 dolls around the house share the name Darryl.  Also, Darryl is just a little creepy, which keeps getting her shoved under the bed.

WINNER: Gus - Ow-Woe is wise and doesn't creep the jeepers out of me.

ROUND 5: The Freak

Gus: Tigger(tm)

Tigger(tm) was the original member of the Coterie and is still much beloved. He advises on energy policy and, surprisingly, education reform. However, he would have already been in contention for "Freak" spot just based on his bouncy, wouncy, trouncy, flouncy tendencies; but this poor guy has a bigger strike against him: he has no lower body. His rib-cage ends in a velvety and satiny flow. It's like he is a tiger top on top of a manta-ray body. He's an abomination of nature.

Ruby: Blankie

A leftover shard of blanket tied into a nebulous doll-shape, Blankie brings pathetic to a new level. She is basically a fleece jellyfish, and no one wants to get cuddly with a jellyfish.

WINNER: Gus. At least Tigger has the arms and head of one of the most beloved Disney(tm) characters. Blankie can't really function as a blanket or a doll. 

ROUND 6: The Explorer

Gus: Monkey Wayne

Monkey Wayne is the soul of adventure. He makes up one of the Beloved Trio (with Tigger(tm) and Buhn-Buhn), and is Gus's body guard and financial advisor.  Also, I found this in Monkey Wayne's closet:

Ruby: Naked Baby

Naked Baby is far and away Ruby's favorite. If Ruby travels with a entourage, Naked Baby is always in attendance, lording it over the other dolls in all her naked glory.

WINNER: Ruby. Monkey Wayne may also be BatMonkey, but he does his adventuring while being able to rely on his skills and gadgets. Naked Baby throws caution to the wind and greets the world wearing nothing but a small smile on her face. 

VICTOR: Gus's Coterie.

While there are impressive specimens in both groups, Gus's Coterie functions far more efficiently as a team. Ruby's Menagerie is scattered and divided, members tossed off at Ruby's toddler whim.

The THROWDOWN: Ruby of the People Vs. Ruby of the Family.

Round 1: With Kids

Ruby of the People: occasionally shares without having to be prompted, is concerned and shows compassion when non-related kids cry, does not hit or bite, cannot remember anyone's name
Ruby of the Family: doesn't even want the toy till Gus/Hope are playing with it, is often the cause of crying by other kids, both hits and kicks, uses correct names constantly but usually in an accusatory manner.
WINNER: Ruby of the People

Round 2: Obeying

Ruby of the People: listens, does what she is asked fairly quickly, only has to be asked once.
Ruby of the Family: doesn't even seem to have ears in her head, creates imaginary villains on-the-spot who are actively keeping her from obeying in a timely fashion, doesn't even understand english unless you have asked 5 times.
WINNER: Ruby of the People

Round 3: Tone of Voice
Ruby of the People: uses a relatively normal tone, says please, rarely cries or whines.
Ruby of the Family: either doesn't talk at all because her thumb is in her mouth, or yells; has to be reminded constantly that we are not her servants; cries whenever she doesn't get her way.
WINNER: Ruby of the People

Round 4: Gregariousness
Ruby of the People: wants to play with everyone, which sometimes means she leaves kids in the middle of playing with them in order to see what the newly arrived kids are doing. Forgets to ask new kids their names, just calls them "Little Boy" or "Little Girl," even if they are 5 years old.
Ruby of the Family: wants to be with you, specifically. Always comes back to you.
WINNER: Ruby of the Family

Round 5: Lovingness
Ruby of the People: Likes everyone, is usually polite, obedient, and kind. Want's you to be okay. A little bossy, but really just wants you to play with her and like her.
Ruby of the Family: constantly is saying how much she loves her mom, dad, gramma, grampa, nana, poppa, Gussie. Wants to be close, snuggles. Will sit in the kitchen doing nothing just so she can be near you. Loves Jesus and sings songs about Him.
WINNER: Ruby of the Family

VICTOR: TIE

The ThrowDown: Gus V. Baby Huey

Round 1: Size
Gus: 100% in both height and weight (Less than 3 ft, 30 lbs). Bones potentially made of depleted uranium
Baby Huey: Bigger than a full grown adult.
Winner: Baby Huey

Round 2: Strength
Gus: Strong, for a baby. Strength increases when placed in Baby Back pack.
Baby Huey: Stronger than most full grown adults.
Winner: Baby Huey

Round 3: Zoological Classification
Gus: Homo Sapien
Baby Huey: Anas platyrhynchos domestica
Winner: Gus

Round 4: Typical Dress
Gus: Various animal or automotive t-shirts; blue or gray pants, shoes that look like taxis.
Baby Huey: Blue Bonnet, Blue shirt, Diaper.
Winner: Gus

Round 5: Existence
Gus: real
Baby Huey: Cartoon, not real.
Winner: Gus

Victor: Gus, the real human baby


(Original Post: 5/27/2013)

The ThrowDown: Gus V. Hope

Arena: Baby Backpack

Round 1: The appeal "Hey (insert Baby name) wanna go in the backpack?"
Hope: Blinks, kicks legs.
Gus: "BAPPAK!" Runs to wherever the backpack is.
Winner: Gus

Round 2: Being placed in the Backpack
Hope: with the exception of leg control, goes into the backpack easily and fits snuggly.
Gus: wiggles and thrashes like a freak, in an attempt to get into the backpack faster, which is actually counterproductive.
Winner: Hope

Round 3: Ease of carrying
Hope: Weighs the same as a feather pillow
Gus: bones must be comprised of depleted uranium 
Winner: Hope

Round 4: Longest Duration in Back Pack without completely losing it
Hope: no more than 45 minutes.
Gus: 3.5 hours
Winner: Gus

Round 5: Weapons Employed against Host (Brad)
Hope: Razor Nails and Banshee Scream
Gus: Ear Grabbing and basic bludgeoning.
Winner: Hope

VICTOR: HOPE!

(Original Post: 5/23/2013)