Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The BabyShow: Quick Trip to the Market

Players: Brad, Gus, Ruby
Location: Local produce market

As they enter the store, Brad grabs a cart.
Ruby: “I don’t want to go in the cart.”
Brad: “If you can stay near me and be a good listener, I’ll let you walk. Can you do that?”
Ruby, apparently believing the question is are you able to walk: “Yes, daddy.”
Brad picks Gus up and puts him in the cart, and straps him in.
Gus: {Is this some sort of racing machine in which I need to be strapped down for my own well-being?}
Brad: “No, it’s a shopping cart. You are being strapped down for my well-being.”
Brad then speaks a curse upon himself: “Okay kids, we have 20 minutes to just grab a few things before we head to the Woodhouse’s to play.”
They begin walking through the store and before they even get to the first aisle, Ruby runs ahead to look at the bananas, cutting off several elderly people.
Brad reacts to this as if Ruby took an octogenarian’s cane and began beating the poor woman while she lay helpless on the tile floor: “RUBY, I told you to stay near me. Are we going to have a listening problem?”
Ruby, who believes that her ability to comprehend language is unimpaired: “No, daddy.”
The BabyShow makes it down the first aisle, obtaining bananas. In the second aisle, they stop in front of the plums.
Brad begins poking plums.
Gus: “THAT!?” {What are those things that you are prodding?}
Brad is considering whether Poking Plums would be a good band name: “Sorry, what?”
Gus: {Are we having a listening problem?}
Brad: “These are plums, Gus.”
Meanwhile, Ruby’s cuteness has been receiving rave reviews from people walking by, and that has made her forget all else. She runs around the corner of a produce aisle.
Brad: “Ruby, come back.”
Ruby comes back and The BabyShow marches on.
This continues for 4 more rows.
Finally, Ruby has been dancing (which for her is indistinguishable from frenetic monkey jumping), gets in the way of a kindly-looking older lady. The old lady smiles at Ruby, and looks up at Gus and Brad.
Brad grabs Ruby’s hand and pulls her back out of the way: “Sorry about that.”
What Nice, Older Lady actually says: “That’s quite all right, she’s adorable.”
What Brad hears: “You’re lack of parenting skills is only just overlooked because your children, while misbehaved, are cute.”
Brad picks up Ruby: “You haven’t been listening and you keep running around when I’ve asked you to stay nearby. I’m putting you in the cart.”
Brad puts her in the carts main basket with the groceries. As there is a sign on the cart saying not to place children in the cart this way, Brad is now convinced that he is a social pariah and will be asked to leave the store.
When Brad returns to the back of the cart, Gus is eating an apricot from the closest display case.
Brad: “No Gussie, we don’t eat the food right off the shelf.”
Gus grunts: {Well, that’s just ridiculous. Who puts food out where other people can see it if they don’t want it to be eaten immediately?} Gus takes another bite of apricot.
Brad quickly grabs the last item that he was looking for and then looks at his watch.
40 minutes has passed.
Brad quickly wheels the cart to the front. All open cash registers have lines. Brad sadly decides it would be quicker to just put everything back and leave. He does so.
They quickly leave the store and get in their car and drive away. It is not until 5-10 minutes later that Brad realized that they did not pay for the apricot Gus ate.

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