Child Cheat Codes: Shopping for new glasses

Often, I find that the most helpful time savers don’t really have anything to do with the kids directly. They are things that save me time on my personal errands so that I have more time to spend doing the kid things.

With that in mind, may I present Warby Parker. Warby Parker sells glasses, both online and in retail stores. I went to their site and set up an account. I then started browsing both their normal glasses and their sunglasses. The prices range from $95 to $150, depending on in which glasses you are interesting, but $95 is fair more common for normal glasses.

Also, you can load a picture of yourself into their system and their site will do a mock-up of what you would look like in those glasses. I find that it is really only good to get a slightly more than general idea of how any pair would look on you, but it did help me weed some things out.

My issue with purchasing things online, especially clothes and accessories, was that you are never sure how it is actually going to fit or look until you get it. Then, if it doesn’t fit, you have to hassle with a return. Warby Parker helps with that. First, you can look up a retail establishment near you that carries the glasses in which you are interested and go to try them on. That’s nice. This is nicer: Warby Parker will send you up to 5 pairs of glasses for you to try on, in your home, free. You do not pay for shipping either to your house or back to Warby Parker when you are done. You get to try them for 5 days, then you send them back. As soon as you send them back, you can order 5 more pair. It takes about 2-3 days for the package to get to you. They include a return label in the package, so all you have to do is slap it on the box and either schedule a pickup or drop it off at a UPS store.

I hate shopping for glasses, so this has revolutionized my glasses experience.

Now, they do ask you for credit card information for your free try-on’s as a sort of insurance if you keep the glasses too long; however, if you get the glasses back to them in time, there are absolutely no charges on your card.

I do wish that Warby Parker had a little more Men’s selection, but that’s more because I have a gargantuan, mal-shaped cranium that I lug about.

The Baby Show: The Great NapTime Adventure: Part 2

Players: Brad, Gus, Ruby; Buhn-Buhn, Monkey Wayne, Ow-Woe, Tigger, Woofie
Location: Gus’s Room, mostly.

---Continued from Part 1---

Gus eyes the furniture surrounding his bed. {Now let's see....}
After Brad’s adjustments to the headboard, the bed seems surrounded on all sides. The foot of the bed and one side are against the wall. The headboard is now become an impenetrable blanket-wall. The only hope of escape lies on the other long-side of the bed.

Gus: {So here is what we have, chaps. As you know, the south-west edge of the bed-plateau is blocked off by the baby-gate contraption. Most of the north-west corner is blocked my dresser-mountain, with the extreme north-west corner consisting of bedpost-spire and rocking chair-cliff. I would welcome any sage words on the predicament.}

Buhn-Buhn: {Listen, brah. I think I can speak for the group when I say that this is a mondo bad idea.}

Tigger: {HOE HOE, I think that adventure is always a good idea.}

Monkey Wayne: {Shut it,  Mr. Trouncy-Pouncey Pants.}

Gus: {I think I have it. Dad-Man has left the top of dresser-mountain bare. I believe I can pull myself up onto the peak, and then lower myself down the other side.}

Monkey Wayne: {Gus, I have to stop you there. I can’t condone that course of action unless you have some sort of climbing equipment, or at least a utility belt.}

Gus: {No time to dally, my hesitant monkey. Fortune favors the foolish!}

Gus comes up to one side of the dresser and grabs a side edge with one hand while reaching as far as he can toward the far edge. He then hoists his milk-belly as far up as it will go, and pushes off the child-safety railing with one foot. As he slides across the top of the dresser, he is able to grab the far edge and pull himself the rest of the way.

Gus: {HUZZAH! I have scaled the slopes of dresser-mountain.}

Ow-Woe: {What’s it like up there, young master?}

Gus: {It’s cold, the wind has a chill in it. Also, I find that I’m easily made short of breath, but the view is fantastic!}

The bedroom door opens violently as Brad comes running from the kitchen.

Buhn-Buhn: {It’s the fuzz. Act natural.}

Brad grabs Gus and deposits him forcibly back in bed. “NO Gus. Do not ever climb up there. It’s dangerous. DO NOT GET ON THE DRESSER.”

Gus: {I’m sorry to say that I have already fallen in love with the exhilaration of scaling the tallest peaks. In all honesty, I cannot assure you that I will not seek that glorious height again.}

Brad: “I appreciate your honesty.”

Brad moves the changing table mat onto the top of the dresser and adjusts it so there is little room for anything else.

Gus: {Well played, sir.}

Brad: “Now go to sleep before I lash you to the bed.”

Gus lies down and rolls over on his front, straight as a board, with his face completely buried in the mattress: (Muffled) {Boo mihn dis mowd, thuh.}

Brad closes the door.

Gus pushes himself up into snake position. {I do love a challenge.}

Gus stands and analyzes dresser-mountain: {Well, that’s out.} He walks up and down the edge of the bed several times.

Woofie: {WOOF!}

Gus: {What’s that, boy?}

Woofie: {WOOF, WUF}

Gus: {Really?} Gus goes down to the foot of the bed. There is a 2-inch gap between the end of the Child Safety Gate and the wall. {Well done, boy}

Gus turns around, drops onto his belly, and backs-up toward the gap. He puts his right chubby toddler foot through the gap and down onto the bed's frame. As he puts weight onto it and stands, the Child Safety Gate gives a little against his baby mass. He lowers his left leg down, but as left foot touches the floor, his right foot slips and his left leg falls through the metal bed frame, trapping him. He tries to free himself for several minutes.

Gus: {Well, gentlemen, I seem to have encountered a bit of a kerfuffle.}

Ow-Woe: {There is little we can do for you at this juncture, young sire. You seem bent on injuring yourself in some way, or at least enraging the leader of your aerie}

Tigger: {Just call out to Christopher Robin again there, chum. He’s always good for a hand and a bit of milk extract.}

Gus sighs, works himself up for good measure: “DAAAADEEEEEEEE, DAADEEE!”

Brad opens the door and turns on the light.

Brad: “Seriously, Goose?” Brad lifts Gus out of the hole and puts him back in bed.

Brad eyes the gap between wall and gate for a moment, sighs, and then rearranges all the furniture in the room.

When Brad has finished, the bed is in the same place, but the rocking chair has moved into the far corner, and the dresser has been pushed away from the large opening for the bed, making for a very easy entrance –and exit—to the bed.

Brad: “There you go. Run yourself ragged.” Brad turns off the light and closes the door.

Gus: {Lads, could this possibly be some clever ruse meant to throw us off our game?}

Ow-Woe: {Perhaps you wore him down.}

Gus needs no more enticement. For the next 30 minutes his runs in circles around the floor of his room, pulls open drawers, dumps all his shoes on the floor, gets his coterie out of the bed and spreads them across the floor, pulls out every book in his room even though it is far too dark to read and he’s illiterate.

Finally, Gus: {Well, chaps, I believe I am a bit tuckered. I believe I’ll just close my eyes for second.} Gus lies down on the floor directly in front of the door, squirms around a bit more, and finally falls asleep.

Brad has been in the kitchen, watching the unfolding of the nap debacle, unable to fully relax or start really accomplishing anything due to Gus’s constant potential need for saving.

When Gus finally falls asleep, Brad exhales: “Thank the Good Lord.”

He starts to stand up, when he hears a door open down the hall. Thinking that somehow Gus has suddenly woken and learned to open doors, he glances at the baby monitor. Gus is still asleep on the floor.

From down the hall, Ruby: “Daddy, I’m awake!”

Brad falls back down into his chair, huffing, and wonders how much gypsies actually pay for small children.

The Baby Show: The Great NapTime Adventure, Part 1.

Players: Brad, Gus, Ruby

Location: Gus's Room

The Baby Show has all gone down for a nap, and Brad is thinking of doing something productive in the back yard. He has a video baby monitor with him to check up on Gus and Hope.

Gus has been sleeping in a "big boy" bed for a few weeks. However, it is shoved up against the corner of a wall and furniture is pushed up against the long open side to keep him from getting out. The short open side is mostly blocked by the headboard, and leads to The Chasm - a point of no return.

Gus has been running in circles on his bed for 15 minutes, not showing the least bit of tired. He has fallen down twice, smacking his head directly into the wall both times - with seeming little effect. Monkey Wayne, Tigger, Ow-Woe, Woofie, and Buhn-Buhn are all in bed with him as he runs haphazard over them.

Gus: {HUZZAH! Come lads, join me in my revelry! The lights are out and we have free reign over this bouncy kingdom.}

Woofie: {WOOF!}

Ow-Woe: {Remember, young master, that we are but fabric and stuffing. We have no ability at motion without your assistance.}

Gus: {Quite right, O wise Ow-Woe.} Grabs Buhn-Buhn {Are you ready for ADVENTURE fuzzy friend?}

Buhn-Buhn: {Dude, you are really harshing my mellow.}

Gus: {Once more into the breach, Lazy Bunny!}

Gus throws Buhn-Buhn into the Chasm.

Gus looks over the headboard: {How fair you?}

Buhn-Buhn: {It is heinously dark down here.}

Gus: {Fear not, I shall retrieve you!} "DADDUH!...DADDUH!......DADDUH!.........dadduh?"

Gus: {Help is not forthcoming, I shall retrieve you myself.}

Monkay Wayne: {I don't think that's a good idea, Gus. There is no guarantee that you will be able to get back up yourself.}

Ow-Woe: {I must concur.}

Gus: {Pushah, There is nothing to fear except fear itself...and perhaps large, stuffed, fish.}

Gus squeezes himself between the headboard and the mattress, having to turn his head side-wise in order to fit, but he does make it into The Chasm.

Gus: {Victory is mine! I shall take a moment to reveal in my triumph and look around.} He spies a plug sticking out of a socket. {I wonder what this does.} Gus pulls the plug out of the wall.

Brad, who has been watching the whole thing on the baby monitor, is now forced to get up, as Gus has just unplugged the camera.

Brad opens Gus's door and walks over to the head of the bed and leans over the rocking chair that's been shoved there to keep Gus in bed. "Whatcha doin, Guster?"

Gus: {Exploring!}

Brad: "That's great, but you should be sleeping." Brad pulls Gus and Buhn-Buhn out of The Chasm and plugs the camera back in. "Now lie down and go to sleep."

Gus lies down: {Of course, so sorry}.

Brad leaves. Before the door is even fully closed Gus is up and moving toward the headboard.

Monkey Wayne: {Gus, don't go back down there.}

Buhn-Buhn: {Yeah, man. It's really a drag.}

Gus slows for a moment: {Perhaps you are right.}

Tigger: {HO HO, don't worry about it, Gusaroo! You'll be able to bounce straight out. What's a day without a little FUN!}

Gus smiles and wedges himself back through the hole in the headboard, but this time something goes wrong.

Gus, with his body through the gap but his head stuck in the headboard: {LADS, SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE AMISS!}

Buhn-Buhn: {Told you, dude.}

Gus: {Tigger! Help me!}

Tigger: {Don't worry, Christopher Robin will be along to help.}

Gus: {I DON'T THINK I HAVE A CHRISTOPHER ROBIN!} "DAAAAADEEEEEE."

Brad comes running in a second later, turning on the light. He quickly extricates Gus from his predicament and deposits him back in bed. 'See, goofball? Stay in bed."

Brad goes over to the closet and pulls out a blanket. He climbs over the headboard and drops into The Chasm. After several minutes, he has managed to wrap the blanket in such a way that is blocks off Gus's entrance to The Chasm.

Brad: "Okay, now stop goofing around and go to bed."

Gus, standing on the mattress: {Too Right, Good show. I'll do that right away.}

Brad waits a moment. They stand staring at each other.

Brad: "Gus, LIE DOWN."

Gus: {OH, right.} Lies down, but continues staring at Brad.

Brad: "Close your eyes."

Gus: {Excellent suggestion} Gus puts his toddler paws over his eyes. {There, all set. Good night.}

Brad sighs and leaves.

Gus waits a beat, then quickly rises and surveys the blanket covering his former escape.

Gus: {Well, that is no longer an option. How else do you think we can get out of here, friends?}

Monkey Wayne, Ow-Woe, and Buhn-Buhn: {GO TO SLEEP!}

Woofie: {WOOF}

Gus: {But SIRS, it has only just started to get interesting}

Gus eyes the furniture surrounding his bed. {Now let's see....}

--To be Continued--

THE THROWDOWN: Ruby Vs. Daily Activities

ROUND 1: Going Pee Pee
Ruby can now use the restroom "all by herself," which means that she yells at people for privacy, doesn't need a toddler seat anymore, uses way too much toilet paper - clogging up the toilet about 15% of the time, needing to be reminded to wipe all the appropriate areas and then FLUSH, needs to be remind not to sit on the toilet reading books forever, and then ends each endeavor with her bathroom catchphrase: "I went pee-pee all by myself," which is often yelled at the top of her lungs in crowded eating establishments.
WINNER: Ruby. Her bathroom habits might be annoying, but anything is better than changing diapers.

ROUND 2: Putting on Clothes
Ruby has a mini-meltdown at each level of clothes. She can't remember how to put on pants, or socks, or shoes, even though she has done these things dozens of times. She only remembers how to put on underwear, the only clothing she actually likes, resulting in her being clothed in little else most of the time. All other clothing items require constant reassurance and encouragement in order to get her to remember that she just did this yesterday!
WINNER: Clothes. It would be less frustrating and unimaginably quicker to just dress her myself. However, she just did figure out how to put on shirts, so there may be hope yet.

ROUND 3: Eating
If it is green, it better be round or look like a tree. If it is red, it better be a fruit. Otherwise, she won't eat it.
Also, she needs to eat in a deprivation chamber, otherwise you will be sitting at the kitchen table for an eon-moment waiting for her to even get just the next spoonful of food into her mouth - and this is food she claims to LIKE.
She will spill her drink. Usually twice. and on multiple surfaces simultaneously.
WINNER: Eating. While Ruby now gets more food in her mouth than on the table, she misses out on a significant portion of deliciousness because she shuns food by shape and color. Also, she makes it impossible to keep our kitchen floor clean.

ROUND 4: Carrying on a Conversation
She speaks gibberish fluently. Learning gibberish yourself is of little help, because she will just switch to gobbeldy-gook, in which she is also fluent.
She can understand English, but only speak it in barely coherent, day-long run-on sentences, or when she is actively crying - which makes her completely unintelligible.
She also remembers every bad word or inappropriate phrase you have ever said and is waiting to use them at dinner parties with your pastor.
WINNER: Ruby. When it is important, she can make herself understood. When she's in trouble, suddenly nothing she says makes sense. I'm convinced it is some sort of clever ruse.

ROUND 5:  Walking
The way she slaps her feet on the ground, I'm surprised she has any toes left.
She has a knack for choosing exactly the wrong shoe for the given circumstances: time to go run at the park - obviously that means her plastic, high-heeled, Minnie Mouse light up shoes.
She veers toward obstacles. If there is a irregularity in the ground, or a toy in her way, or some sort of blockade just off the path, she goes directly toward it and deliberately tries to walk over it. She very often trips.
She also trips over nothing, usually while running. If there is an extra heavy air molecule, she will find it and trip, resulting in bruised legs and skinned knees.
WINNER: Walking. She has been lulled into a false sense of security, thinking she knows how to use her legs.

VICTOR: Daily Activities.
She is just too distracted to form any significant threat to her Daily Activities, but she is gaining.

Child Cheat Code: Teach your kid to read.

My wife and I are pretty strict about what sort of media our children can ingest. Our daughter turns into a zombie whenever a computer, phone, or TV is about. Even more concerning is how much she retains from even a single viewing of any media content.

Recently, we vetted the first website to which we were considering letting our 3 year old have regular access. It is a website called Starfall.com. It was recommend to us by some friends who had great success with it. They credit it as a major factor involved in their daughter learning to read early and being well ahead of her peers on reading level now.

The free content includes pretty much everything you would need to get you kid reading. It starts off with the Alphabet, including sounds, word association, and even sign language. It then moves into phonics and basic reading.
I was pretty impressed with it. My daughter loves it, I actually have to make her get off of it. Also, in just the week she has been using it, we have already seen a big improvement in her letter-sound recognition.

We ended up paying the $35 yearly fee to get access to their expanded content, which includes colors, songs, math work, and such. Our daughter liked the Alphabet, but also wanted to be able to do other things, and we figured that if she could start learning math as well, $35 was worth it. I'll admit that I like having a  safe, educational website that I can give to her so I can have a moment to make dinner, clean up a little, or just keep my head from exploding.

As I said, I think that the site is great even if you don't buy the expanded content. Be ready to have to set limits on how much your kids can use it per day.

The BabyShow: It's inappropriate to give the Look Of Doom to a toddler.

Players: Alex, Alex's Dad, Brad, Ruby

Location: Alex's living room.

Brad is standing in the living room talking to Alex's Dad when Alex comes running in, jumps up on the couch and stands next to his dad. There is a small, hushed exchange, then...

Alex's Dad: "Alex, is there something that you wanted to ask Mr. @Home?"

Alex stands on the couch and looks bashful: "Mr. @Home, I want to mawwy Wuby when I am a gwown-up man."

Brad crossed his arms and thinks for a moment: "What are you offering as dowry, Alex?"

Alex looks confused and glances at his dad.

Alex's Dad: "Well, I have an old pack-n-play we don't need, and I'm sure Alex could throw in his bike. It still has the training wheels on it."

Brad: "This is my only daughter, my eldest. I can't tell her mom I gave her away for a pack-n-play and a bike."

Alex: "I have gwahm cwackuhs!"

Alex's Dad: "That's right, we can throw in 3 boxes of graham crackers."

Brad: "I do love graham crackers."

Alex's Dad: "I also have a sword I can give you. It was an old birthday present, but my wife doesn't like having it in the house."

Brad's eyes light up, but before he can answer, Ruby runs into the room. Brad stops her.

Brad: "Ruby, Alex want's to marry you. What do you think about that?"

Ruby looks Alex over {His dad's a doctor and mom's a teacher, so he could be a smartie; If he takes after his dad, he could be taller than me; he's a middle child, so he should learn how to take orders; and he is a cutie.}

Ruby, who has been running through Alex's house all day like the Tasmanian Devil, is suddenly shy, standing with her head down and her finger in her mouth.

Brad narrows his eyes a little: "Well, Ruby, would you like to marry Alex?"

Ruby, coyly and a little breathy: "Yeah."

All thoughts of dowry fly out of his head and Brad has to remind himself that they are toddlers, which quiets the Over-Protective Mental Firestorm: "Well, Alex...when you get to be a grown-up man, talk it over with Ruby, and maybe you can ask me again."

Alex's Dad: "Is that okay, Alex?"

Alex nods and runs off to play.

Brad does some quick math, sighs, and discretely checks to see when his FOID expires.

THE THROWDOWN: Gus's Coterie Vs. Ruby's Menagerie

ROUND 1: Hand-Me-Downs

Gus - Jacob Bear

Jacob Bear was made by Gus's Paternal Great-Grandma Ruby for Brad. Jacob once belonged to Gus's sister Ruby, but Ruby paid so little attention to him, that Jacob was moved into the Gus Camp. He holds a grudge.

Ruby - Peanut Butter

Peanut Butter was originally from a pair of twins that were found and purchased by Ruby's mom and Auntie Bekah. Peanut Butter suffers from anxiety from being separated from her sister, Jelly.

WINNER: TIE - Jacob Bear is older and has a richer history, but Gus ignores him only slightly less than Ruby ignored him. Peanut Butter's history isn't as dense and lovely, and far more filled with pain and loss, but at least Ruby occasionally lets Peanut Butter sleep in the bed, albeit shoved all the way in the corner, behind the pillow.

ROUND 2: The Guard Dogs

Gus: "Woofie" Alowishus Puppy

Woofie is on loan from Ruby's Menagerie and currently advises Gus on all things dog-like and lickable. He is supposedly the guard dog of Gus's room, but he mostly sits around near the heat exchange being brown.

Ruby: Scottie Dog

Scottie is on a mission to prove himself. Normally he is overshadowed by Woofie, but since Woofie is on loan to Gus, it's Scottie's time to shine. He is a much better guard dog than Woofie ever was, but is a little overzealous. His habit of waking up the "troops", as he calls the others in Ruby's Menagerie, with a bagpipe version of Taps has resulted in him being forcibly smothered at the bottom of the Menagerie Basket.

WINNER: RUBY - Woofie's allegiance to Gus is in severe question.

ROUND 3: The Cuteness (Bunnies)

Gus: Buhn-Buhn the Floppy Bunny

While not much to look at when he is just lying in a slump, in the hands of Gus he is an unstoppable M1 Garand of cuteness. Unfortunately, he has no other skills, and is a drain on the rest of the coterie. 

Ruby: The Velveteen Rabbit

This guy is trying way too hard. The others want to smack that smile right off his cutesy rabbit face.

WINNER: GUS - Bow before the adorable might of Buhn-Buhn

Round 4: The Brains

Gus: Ow-Woe

The most recent addition to Gus's Coterie, Ow-Woe has already proven invaluable. While his reputation has been damaged by the current hipster owl obsession, he is an essential intellectual asset. He is also invaluable in the quest to discover how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-pop.

Ruby: Darryl the 3rd 

Darryl the 3rd is one of the most established members of Ruby's Menagerie, but has the misfortune to have been named in the Great Darryl initiative of 2011. Currently, 5 dolls around the house share the name Darryl.  Also, Darryl is just a little creepy, which keeps getting her shoved under the bed.

WINNER: Gus - Ow-Woe is wise and doesn't creep the jeepers out of me.

ROUND 5: The Freak

Gus: Tigger(tm)

Tigger(tm) was the original member of the Coterie and is still much beloved. He advises on energy policy and, surprisingly, education reform. However, he would have already been in contention for "Freak" spot just based on his bouncy, wouncy, trouncy, flouncy tendencies; but this poor guy has a bigger strike against him: he has no lower body. His rib-cage ends in a velvety and satiny flow. It's like he is a tiger top on top of a manta-ray body. He's an abomination of nature.

Ruby: Blankie

A leftover shard of blanket tied into a nebulous doll-shape, Blankie brings pathetic to a new level. She is basically a fleece jellyfish, and no one wants to get cuddly with a jellyfish.

WINNER: Gus. At least Tigger has the arms and head of one of the most beloved Disney(tm) characters. Blankie can't really function as a blanket or a doll. 

ROUND 6: The Explorer

Gus: Monkey Wayne

Monkey Wayne is the soul of adventure. He makes up one of the Beloved Trio (with Tigger(tm) and Buhn-Buhn), and is Gus's body guard and financial advisor.  Also, I found this in Monkey Wayne's closet:

Ruby: Naked Baby

Naked Baby is far and away Ruby's favorite. If Ruby travels with a entourage, Naked Baby is always in attendance, lording it over the other dolls in all her naked glory.

WINNER: Ruby. Monkey Wayne may also be BatMonkey, but he does his adventuring while being able to rely on his skills and gadgets. Naked Baby throws caution to the wind and greets the world wearing nothing but a small smile on her face. 

VICTOR: Gus's Coterie.

While there are impressive specimens in both groups, Gus's Coterie functions far more efficiently as a team. Ruby's Menagerie is scattered and divided, members tossed off at Ruby's toddler whim.