The Baby Show: Every Morning with Gus.

Players: Brad, Gus

Location: Gus’s Room

At 6:30am, Gus has been making toddler noises from his room for about 10 min, a signal that he is not going back to sleep. In the baby monitor, he has been crawling and running all over his bed, which has been situated in the room so that he can’t climb out of it – basically it is a twin-sized crib.

Brad comes in and turns on the light: “Good morning, Man-Baby! Time to get up.”

Gus squints his eyes and throws himself away from Brad: “NO NO.” {I’m not ready to get up. I still have some important things to do here.}

Brad: “Well, it’s time to go. Don’t you want breakfast?”

Gus: “Behvest.” {You make an excellent point. Very well.}

However, before Gus comes over to be lifted from bed, he walks over to the far edge of his bed, where the headboard is, and points down: “Menkah.” {Before you go, you must retrieve Monkey Wayne from The Chasm.}

Brad comes over and looks down in the space between the headboard and the wall – about a foot and a half – and spies Monkey Wayne down on the floor: “What is Monkey doing down there?”

Gus points emphatically: {He was on an important exploratory mission, but I lost contact with him shortly after his departure and have been unable to retrieve him.}

Brad: “Fine, I’ll get him.” Brad contorts his body over the headboard and is momentarily upside down while he retrieves Monkey Wayne.

Brad hands Monkey Wayne to Gus. Brad: “What do you say?”

Gus makes the sign language motion for Thank you: {I do appreciate it, kind sir. Monkey Wayne should have some important information on whether we can launch an expedition into that area.}

Brad lifts Gus out and puts him on the changing table and begins changing Gus’s diaper.

Gus: “Bite-Min?” {I do believe that it is traditional that you provide me with a gelatinous multivitamin in the mornings. I would enjoy consuming it at this time.}

Brad retrieves the vitamin: “Look Gus, this one is a race car.”

Gus: “CAW” {I share your enthusiasm for delicious treats shaped like interesting machinery.}

Gus eats it while his diaper is changed. Brad then stands Gus up and puts a tank-top shaped romper-type outfit on him.

Brad looks Gus over: “Will you be lifting weights later at the gymnasium while twirling your handle-bar mustache?”

Gus looks at him quizzically: {I don’t believe I am quite familiar with the phrase.}

Brad: “You look like a 1920’s weight-lifter.”

Gus looks down at himself: {Really? SMASHING}

Brad lifts Gus up and opens the door.

Gus grunts and points: “Mehkah.” Brad picks up monkey from where Gus has dropped him and heads toward the door.

Gus makes a distressed sound: “Tig-guh.” Brad picks Gus’s Tigger-headed lovey from the bed and turns to the door.

Gus bounces his little toddler body and makes a chirping sound: {Stop trying to leave before you have collected my entire coterie.} “Buhn-Buhn.”

Brad picks up Buhn-Buhn the Floppy Bunny from the bed. He hands it to Gus, who is now holding all three dolls simultaneously in his chubby toddler arms.

Brad: “Really, you need all three?”

Gus bounces, almost dropping Tigger. {Of course. They are my entourage. They provide me with useful advice and witticisms. They are invaluable.}

Brad: “Really. What sort of advice?”

Gus looks at Monkey Wayne: {Monkey Wayne provides me with both financial advice and is my personal bodyguard, since –as you know- he is Batman.}

Brad nods and Gus continues: {Tigger advises me on energy and educational policy.}

Brad: “I’m not sure I quite get that latter option, but okay. What about Buhn-Buhn.”

Gus looks at Buhn-Buhn the Floppy Bunny and then back at Brad: {My good man, isn’t it obvious? Look at him, he’s adorable. He is, as the kids say these days, my wingman.}

The THROWDOWN: Ruby of the People Vs. Ruby of the Family.

Round 1: With Kids

Ruby of the People: occasionally shares without having to be prompted, is concerned and shows compassion when non-related kids cry, does not hit or bite, cannot remember anyone's name
Ruby of the Family: doesn't even want the toy till Gus/Hope are playing with it, is often the cause of crying by other kids, both hits and kicks, uses correct names constantly but usually in an accusatory manner.
WINNER: Ruby of the People

Round 2: Obeying

Ruby of the People: listens, does what she is asked fairly quickly, only has to be asked once.
Ruby of the Family: doesn't even seem to have ears in her head, creates imaginary villains on-the-spot who are actively keeping her from obeying in a timely fashion, doesn't even understand english unless you have asked 5 times.
WINNER: Ruby of the People

Round 3: Tone of Voice
Ruby of the People: uses a relatively normal tone, says please, rarely cries or whines.
Ruby of the Family: either doesn't talk at all because her thumb is in her mouth, or yells; has to be reminded constantly that we are not her servants; cries whenever she doesn't get her way.
WINNER: Ruby of the People

Round 4: Gregariousness
Ruby of the People: wants to play with everyone, which sometimes means she leaves kids in the middle of playing with them in order to see what the newly arrived kids are doing. Forgets to ask new kids their names, just calls them "Little Boy" or "Little Girl," even if they are 5 years old.
Ruby of the Family: wants to be with you, specifically. Always comes back to you.
WINNER: Ruby of the Family

Round 5: Lovingness
Ruby of the People: Likes everyone, is usually polite, obedient, and kind. Want's you to be okay. A little bossy, but really just wants you to play with her and like her.
Ruby of the Family: constantly is saying how much she loves her mom, dad, gramma, grampa, nana, poppa, Gussie. Wants to be close, snuggles. Will sit in the kitchen doing nothing just so she can be near you. Loves Jesus and sings songs about Him.
WINNER: Ruby of the Family

VICTOR: TIE

The Baby Show: Pre-Chewed for Your Convenience.

Players: Brad, (Gus), Ruby, Ruthie

Location: The kitchen, The Living room, The Master bedroom

Brad is cleaning up in the kitchen, Gus is in the back bedroom with Ruthie, Ruby is playing in the living room.

It gets too quiet in the living room, so Brad steps around the corner to check on Ruby.

Ruby is in the process of stuffing something into her mouth. She sees Brad, gets a stricken look on her face, and FLEES down the hall at full toddler speed.

Brad: "Get back here!"

Ruby slowly trudges back and stands in front of Brad.

Brad: "What's in your mouth?"

Ruby inserts her toddler paw into her mouth and pulls out a white wad.

Brad takes it.

Brad: 'Ruby, this is the gum I chewed when I was running yesterday. Why would you want old, pre-chewed gum?"

Ruby: "I found it and I needed it to go running with the baby stroller and I will get all sweaty."

Brad: "Even if that is true, you don't chew already-chewed gum. It's GROSS."

Ruby stares at Brad blankly, obviously still coveting the gum.

Brad sighs: "Go play."

Ruby runs down the hall to the master bedroom.

Ruby: "Mommy, I ate gum that was already chewed up."

Ruthie: "Are you proud of that?

Ruby: "Yup!"

Sensitive Geek MAN: Geek Parenting WIN

Geek Parenting: Doing it Right

Child Cheat Codes: Carbon-Based Meat Forms

This is something I discovered the other day that I thought was pretty cool.
Maybe everyone knew this already and I'm just slow.
I thought it might be fun to see if I could make a video about it. Seems that this works with many (over)cooked, slightly dense, cold meats.

The Baby Show: Nap Time is Sacrosanct

Players: Brad, Gus, Ruby, Ruthie

Location: The Car, on the way home from church.

Brad: "Ruby, what did you do at Church today?"

Ruby stares at Brad with her thumb in her mouth.

Brad: "Ruby, HANDS."

After Ruby takes her thumb out of her mouth, Brad repeats the question.

Ruby: "Played, and the new teachers cause Mr. Parker and Mrs. Parker weren't there, but Mr. Parker was there and they watched over me..." then in sing-songy "watched over me....watched over me...Mr. Parker"

Ruthie: "Ruby, did you learn anything about Jesus?"

Ruby: "The guy died and jesus the bones with praying over the bones." sing songy "Over the bones, over the bones, over the bones." in normal voice "Jesus prayed over the bones, indeedie." Ruby laughs. "INDEEDIE. Grandpa says that all the time. He comes over and says INDEEDIE. Is grandpa coming over?"

Brad: "Not today, sweetie."

Brad looks over to Gus, who has heavy eyes.

Brad: "Hey GUS!"

Gus starts awake {FOOTBALL PRACTICE!. Wait, where am I?}

Brad: "Stay awake, buddy, we'll be home soon."

Gus is already almost asleep again.

Ruthie: "Gus, when we get home, you can have the foods!"

Gus wakes a bit, groggily: {Wha? Food?}

Brad: "Yeah, what would you like?"

Ruby: "Macaroni!"

Ruthie: "You always want macaroni. We aren't having macaroni."

Gus is almost asleep again

Brad: "GUS, what about a banana?"

Gus groggily: "Na-na."

Ruthie: "And some milk"

Gus, more groggily: "Mek?"

Brad: "how about some boiling hot magma?"

Gus wakes a little at a word he doesn't know: "Magmuh?"

Brad: "Yeah, delicious magma."

Gus loses interest and starts to fall asleep.

Brad pulls some peanut butter crackers out of the diaper bag: "Gus, crackers!"

Gus, wakes a little: "Kahkuh?"

Ruby: "I want some crackers."

Ruthie: "Honey, they are to keep Gus awake."

Ruby: "But I want a cracker cause he gets a cracker and then I want a cracker too!"

Brad hands both Ruby and Gus a cracker. Ruby devours it readily. Gus takes a single bite, but the act of chewing proves too exhausting and he lapses back into sleep.

Brad decides to pull out the big guns. He reaches back and begins to tickle Gus's leg.

A little known fact about babies and tickling - when they are fully awake and at least in a average mood, tickling is fun. If they aren't in the right mood, tickling is like baby-torture.

Gus wakes up ANGRY: {WHAT ARE YOU DOING! THIS IS THE WORST THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE TO ME! JUST LET ME SLEEP! WHAT SORT OF INHUMAN MONSTERS ARE YOU.}

Brad and Gus enter into a cycle - Brad tickles Gus's leg, Gus wails and calls down curses and brimstone on the heads of everyone in the car, Brad stops, Gus slowly falls asleep again, Brad tickles Gus's leg, etc.

Finally, the car pulls into the driveway.

As soon as the car comes to a complete stop, Gus is fully awake: {Oh, we're home? Excellent, I believe I was promised some sort of foodstuffs.}

Sensitive Geek MAN: We never trained for this!

I always see a few mommy-friend at the Library. 

For those of you who aren't familiar with that term, a Library is where they keep books that you can rent and read for free. They also have movies and music.

All the @home parents frequent the same places, and the Library is a big one. They have books, so you feel like you are educating your child just by being in the building, and often they have special activities that are actually educational-and all you have to do is force your kid to sit through it.

I struck up a conversation with a few of the moms while our kids slobbered on all the community toys. After a while, went to get her son and then retired to a chair somewhat out of the way. She pulled out a coverlet, had her son assume “the position”, covered herself, and began to discretely nurse him.

Just like that, my head refused to turn in that direction. It’s like that whole side of the library was a total solar eclipse and I would go eternally blind just by glancing over there.

This mom had done nothing wrong. She wasn't drawing attention to herself, she was completely covered, she was out of the way. Also, I have nothing against public breastfeeding, especially done with the respect and circumspection that she exhibited.

The issue is that, for my entire pubescent and post-pubescent life, I have been trained not to pay attention to that area of the female anatomy. There is no heterosexual human male that I know of who always succeeds at this, but the decent men at least make every effort. The somewhat less decent males at least know how not to get caught.

While I had developed an acceptable amount of self-control, discretion, and (to be honest) sneakiness regarding the female decolletage and such, my training did not cover breastfeeding. Before I became an @home, I didn't encounter it much, so I hadn't added the behavior pattern to me repertoire.  Now, however, I was entering a circle where such encounters could be become regular, a plan of appropriate action will need to be devised.

I imagine that it may be just as strange for a lot of these women; they are probably mostly used to having nothing but little kids and other adult women around them. The increasing addition of Dad@homes must fill them with questions about proper behavior as well. In that regard, I think the mom at the Library did an exemplary job - specifically that her behavior made it such that she was above reproof by current societal standards on the matter. All onus was on me not to be a letch.

Well played.